So relatable. I'm definitely an island but I think that's because I met my best friend at 13, started going out with him at 16 and married him at 25 so I've always just thought of us as the island. I find the whole girl friendship gang really tricky to navigate. Couldn't stand my own hen night! I think we're made to feel as if we're somehow not doing it right if we don't have a gaggle of girls to call on etc. I love all my girl friends but I'm happiest when I'm home with my bestest friend. Loved reading this x
I love this so much for you Rebecca! You’ve built a life with your bestie, I mean literally what could be better. This comment made me smile soooo much xxx
This is not me! I am not the island! But i loveee your perspective. I would say i know some island girls, i was best friends with one among our college group and she loveddd to do things 1 on 1. She was Constantly pulling away from the others. So i like 1 on 1 friendship time, but not all the time. I freaking love my couch, but not all the time. At this point in my life it’s not a gaggle but 4-5 very close friends since college who I travel with and couldn’t imagine any other way!
💛💛 thank you for writing and sharing this! I've always struggled with "girl groups" and have never had a "best friend" or a hopping group of friends... and often times feel really bad about that when I compare myself to everyone who does. But honestly? I *do* love my own company lol and I'm an introvert who is very independent and fine on my own. With that being said, I do know I'd like to be comfortable with having deep friendships (and having a best friend 🥹) but I know a lot of that comes from fear of being seen, etc. Anywho, thank you for this reminder that it's MORE THAN OK to do life and friendship in the way that is true to us. 💕💕💕
Thank you so much for this wonderful comment, Megan! And thank you for sharing your vulnerability, I think a lot of people can relate to the fear of being truly seen by someone else. Introverts who love being alone UNITE 💖
I feel for the last few years (I'm about to turn 30) I've become the island friend! As I moved away from home, graduated school, etc. I also feel it's much harder to cultivate groups of pals.
YES, I have 100% become more of an island friend as I’ve grown older too - I think a mix of no longer feeling the need to conform to how I should be doing friendship, but also moving away from my hometown and feeling more connected to myself and how I want to live.
I've never had a large group friends and did feel like I missed out on something when I saw other girls in my year all go on their post A Levels girls holiday - but I also would have hated it. I also always see large hen dos walking around London and they look so stressful. I much prefer being an island friend and having those individual relationships.
Love this so much! This is a topic I’ve been thinking about a lot lately, and I relate to it so much. In my case, I grew up with a small group of friends since school, and I was so used to that. Despite being introverted and all so different, I felt loved and seen. But growing up and now being in my thirties too, I feel so different. I think the sense of community that large groups of friends bring is important, and I know I’ve been longing for it because my small group of friends from school no longer exists. However, nowadays, when I’ve been in larger groups… oh it’s difficult! I feel everything you described. If I don’t feel comfortable or seen, I just can’t. I’m also better with one-on-one situations or smaller groups. There’s nothing wrong with us, we can give so much with our personalities. Thank you for writing this🤍
I’m so pleased that you had a positive experience in a friendship group at school - but oh my goodness, I absolutely relate to your experience in your thirties! Isn’t is interesting how as we get older, we just become less willing to tolerate things that perhaps we would have tolerated in our teens. We value the way people make us feel now, quality over quantity, and I LOVE that for us ❤️
It’s so comforting not only to have a term to describe how I approach friendship, but also to know that I’m not alone! The allure of group friendship is real, but in reality I find it anxiety-inducing and smothering and a lot less flexible than one-on-one friendships. Occasionally I get several friends together for a short outing (literally just a few hours) but for the most part I prefer to hang out with my friends one at a time. A group trip sounds like a disaster.
Thank you so much for such a lovely and thoughtful comment, Adrianna. ‘Smothering’ is such a great way to describe group dynamics, particularly when there is one person who commandeers the group or some kind of weird power dynamic as there often ends up being in friendship groups.
This is so interesting! I’ve never been on a girls’ trip either and the idea always made me feel SO overwhelmed. Being away from home, my dog, routine, my dog…what for?!
But I thought it was so fascinating to hear more about your why, because for me, as an introvert, I value one on one connections but I’ve always avoided hangs even one on one as much as possible because it’s just so draining, even though I love my friends. (I wrote a whole Substack on it called “I’m a bad friend). I will text my friends, listen to their problems, maybe tell them mine but I get so exhausted hanging out. Even though I do usually have fun!
BUT! What’s interesting is that I almost prefer a group hang when I do because it
A) feels like I get all the hangs out of the way (so to speak) at once and
B) it’s less overwhelming to me in a group because there isn’t so much focus on me and what I bring to the conversation. I don’t have to worry about lulls or being SO high energy and focused, rather I can listen, observe, and chime in, which is where I’m most comfortable
But I hadn’t really thought of it that way before I read this so it was really interesting to think about!
This comment is FASCINATING Angela, thank you so much for sharing it! I can totally relate to your point about finding one on one connection draining and being able to dip in and out in a group setting and lean into the ebb and flow of the conversation - I find that I do this when I spend time with James’ friends, perhaps that’s why I don’t find spending time with them draining!
I've never heard of the term "island friend," but it describes my friendship tendencies perfectly. Friendship groups look nice from the outside; however, they've always brought me more anxiety and unease than anything.
I could not agree more, they are SO anxiety inducing 😭 they’ve been fetishised by shows like Friends but it really only works when everyone’s personalities align and no one ends up feeling excluded or misplaced, and that’s such a difficult balance to strike.
I like this topic. When I meet my friends, it's always one-on-one, even though some of them know each other. I enjoy making friends of different types and having deep conversations with different people about different topics. It's hard to say I have a very deep bond with each of them, but I get along well with anyone among them.
So nice to read something that I completely align with too. I feel seen! Also love the sentence “I realised I didn’t feel safe” and I think that is so true. You wonder and question why you wouldn’t want to go on a trip with the girls, what’s the problem, but yes it’s actually to do with safety. That is something I never considered!!!
Thank you so much, Ciara! I prioritise how I feel before anything else now and I know from experience that I just don’t feel safe in unfamiliar environments unless I’m with people I really trust and feel comfortable with.
Love this, Lauren!! I had a very similar high school experience to you and that very much shaped how I approach friendship today, I really struggle to get close to people or make the first move because I am so scared of rejection/feeling like I’m on the outside. It’s something I’m actively working on right now!
Thank you so much Madeline, and well done you for working on your fears of rejection - it’s something I’m always working on too! All we can do is self reflect and keep moving forward ❤️
This really resonated with me! I’m very close to my partner’s “squad” of friends, but don’t have my own friend groups. I get my fill of time well spent in one-on-one time with individual friends. Thanks for putting into words my feelings!!☺️
Thank you so much, Kennedy! I could not agree more, I’m the same with my partner’s friends but much prefer spending time with my own friends individually. I’m so glad that this post resonated with you ❤️
Lauren!!! This is my favourite thing you've talked about yet. I've always felt like a bit of a failure for not going on a girls' holiday, it's always seemed like a rite of passage. It was like all the girls in my year who ended sixth form with a holiday had made it, they had successfully achieved friendships that were going to last a lifetime and that because I wasn't invited, I wasn't important enough of a friend. Really, it's because I just wasn't in the group chats. Like you, I've never been part of a group, I have lots of friends that have nothing to do with each other and I love them very much! But it's very unlikely we'll ever go on holiday together, and it's taken me a long time to accept that it doesn't mean the friendship isn't strong enough. I also don't like going away unless it's with certain people I'm suuuper comfortable with. Just adore your writing so much - it's like you're reading my mind!! 🍹here's to being the island friend!
I am SO overwhelmed by this comment Ella, I showed it to James (my partner) and he said how lovely it was too! Thank you so much, I’m so happy that my words made you feel seen. We value friendship in a different way to other people, and that’s OK ❤️
Lauren, are you by any chance autistic? What you describe - the "incessant feeling of unease, the underlying fear of not knowing if you’ve inadvertently upset someone or said the wrong thing" - is common on the autism spectrum.
No - that feeling came from the volatile behaviour of my friends at the time, rather than from my own inability to recognise sensitivities or social cues. I no longer feel that way now that I have secure friendships where I know that I am accepted and loved as I am.
So relatable. I'm definitely an island but I think that's because I met my best friend at 13, started going out with him at 16 and married him at 25 so I've always just thought of us as the island. I find the whole girl friendship gang really tricky to navigate. Couldn't stand my own hen night! I think we're made to feel as if we're somehow not doing it right if we don't have a gaggle of girls to call on etc. I love all my girl friends but I'm happiest when I'm home with my bestest friend. Loved reading this x
I love this so much for you Rebecca! You’ve built a life with your bestie, I mean literally what could be better. This comment made me smile soooo much xxx
This is not me! I am not the island! But i loveee your perspective. I would say i know some island girls, i was best friends with one among our college group and she loveddd to do things 1 on 1. She was Constantly pulling away from the others. So i like 1 on 1 friendship time, but not all the time. I freaking love my couch, but not all the time. At this point in my life it’s not a gaggle but 4-5 very close friends since college who I travel with and couldn’t imagine any other way!
I loooove this for you ❤️
💛💛 thank you for writing and sharing this! I've always struggled with "girl groups" and have never had a "best friend" or a hopping group of friends... and often times feel really bad about that when I compare myself to everyone who does. But honestly? I *do* love my own company lol and I'm an introvert who is very independent and fine on my own. With that being said, I do know I'd like to be comfortable with having deep friendships (and having a best friend 🥹) but I know a lot of that comes from fear of being seen, etc. Anywho, thank you for this reminder that it's MORE THAN OK to do life and friendship in the way that is true to us. 💕💕💕
Thank you so much for this wonderful comment, Megan! And thank you for sharing your vulnerability, I think a lot of people can relate to the fear of being truly seen by someone else. Introverts who love being alone UNITE 💖
I feel for the last few years (I'm about to turn 30) I've become the island friend! As I moved away from home, graduated school, etc. I also feel it's much harder to cultivate groups of pals.
YES, I have 100% become more of an island friend as I’ve grown older too - I think a mix of no longer feeling the need to conform to how I should be doing friendship, but also moving away from my hometown and feeling more connected to myself and how I want to live.
Well done. I've gone back to best friends. Some are mysteries. Some hold keys...are mirrors of how I got to here. It's a mixed bag.
I've never had a large group friends and did feel like I missed out on something when I saw other girls in my year all go on their post A Levels girls holiday - but I also would have hated it. I also always see large hen dos walking around London and they look so stressful. I much prefer being an island friend and having those individual relationships.
HARD AGREE, Sophie. Hard agree 🥲
Love this so much! This is a topic I’ve been thinking about a lot lately, and I relate to it so much. In my case, I grew up with a small group of friends since school, and I was so used to that. Despite being introverted and all so different, I felt loved and seen. But growing up and now being in my thirties too, I feel so different. I think the sense of community that large groups of friends bring is important, and I know I’ve been longing for it because my small group of friends from school no longer exists. However, nowadays, when I’ve been in larger groups… oh it’s difficult! I feel everything you described. If I don’t feel comfortable or seen, I just can’t. I’m also better with one-on-one situations or smaller groups. There’s nothing wrong with us, we can give so much with our personalities. Thank you for writing this🤍
I’m so pleased that you had a positive experience in a friendship group at school - but oh my goodness, I absolutely relate to your experience in your thirties! Isn’t is interesting how as we get older, we just become less willing to tolerate things that perhaps we would have tolerated in our teens. We value the way people make us feel now, quality over quantity, and I LOVE that for us ❤️
Exactly!💞 And I wouldn't go back to my 20s for anything lol
It’s so comforting not only to have a term to describe how I approach friendship, but also to know that I’m not alone! The allure of group friendship is real, but in reality I find it anxiety-inducing and smothering and a lot less flexible than one-on-one friendships. Occasionally I get several friends together for a short outing (literally just a few hours) but for the most part I prefer to hang out with my friends one at a time. A group trip sounds like a disaster.
Thank you so much for such a lovely and thoughtful comment, Adrianna. ‘Smothering’ is such a great way to describe group dynamics, particularly when there is one person who commandeers the group or some kind of weird power dynamic as there often ends up being in friendship groups.
This is so interesting! I’ve never been on a girls’ trip either and the idea always made me feel SO overwhelmed. Being away from home, my dog, routine, my dog…what for?!
But I thought it was so fascinating to hear more about your why, because for me, as an introvert, I value one on one connections but I’ve always avoided hangs even one on one as much as possible because it’s just so draining, even though I love my friends. (I wrote a whole Substack on it called “I’m a bad friend). I will text my friends, listen to their problems, maybe tell them mine but I get so exhausted hanging out. Even though I do usually have fun!
BUT! What’s interesting is that I almost prefer a group hang when I do because it
A) feels like I get all the hangs out of the way (so to speak) at once and
B) it’s less overwhelming to me in a group because there isn’t so much focus on me and what I bring to the conversation. I don’t have to worry about lulls or being SO high energy and focused, rather I can listen, observe, and chime in, which is where I’m most comfortable
But I hadn’t really thought of it that way before I read this so it was really interesting to think about!
This comment is FASCINATING Angela, thank you so much for sharing it! I can totally relate to your point about finding one on one connection draining and being able to dip in and out in a group setting and lean into the ebb and flow of the conversation - I find that I do this when I spend time with James’ friends, perhaps that’s why I don’t find spending time with them draining!
that makes a lot of sense!
I've never heard of the term "island friend," but it describes my friendship tendencies perfectly. Friendship groups look nice from the outside; however, they've always brought me more anxiety and unease than anything.
I could not agree more, they are SO anxiety inducing 😭 they’ve been fetishised by shows like Friends but it really only works when everyone’s personalities align and no one ends up feeling excluded or misplaced, and that’s such a difficult balance to strike.
I like this topic. When I meet my friends, it's always one-on-one, even though some of them know each other. I enjoy making friends of different types and having deep conversations with different people about different topics. It's hard to say I have a very deep bond with each of them, but I get along well with anyone among them.
Thank you so much for sharing that ❤️
So nice to read something that I completely align with too. I feel seen! Also love the sentence “I realised I didn’t feel safe” and I think that is so true. You wonder and question why you wouldn’t want to go on a trip with the girls, what’s the problem, but yes it’s actually to do with safety. That is something I never considered!!!
Thank you so much, Ciara! I prioritise how I feel before anything else now and I know from experience that I just don’t feel safe in unfamiliar environments unless I’m with people I really trust and feel comfortable with.
Love this, Lauren!! I had a very similar high school experience to you and that very much shaped how I approach friendship today, I really struggle to get close to people or make the first move because I am so scared of rejection/feeling like I’m on the outside. It’s something I’m actively working on right now!
Thank you so much Madeline, and well done you for working on your fears of rejection - it’s something I’m always working on too! All we can do is self reflect and keep moving forward ❤️
This really resonated with me! I’m very close to my partner’s “squad” of friends, but don’t have my own friend groups. I get my fill of time well spent in one-on-one time with individual friends. Thanks for putting into words my feelings!!☺️
Thank you so much, Kennedy! I could not agree more, I’m the same with my partner’s friends but much prefer spending time with my own friends individually. I’m so glad that this post resonated with you ❤️
Lauren!!! This is my favourite thing you've talked about yet. I've always felt like a bit of a failure for not going on a girls' holiday, it's always seemed like a rite of passage. It was like all the girls in my year who ended sixth form with a holiday had made it, they had successfully achieved friendships that were going to last a lifetime and that because I wasn't invited, I wasn't important enough of a friend. Really, it's because I just wasn't in the group chats. Like you, I've never been part of a group, I have lots of friends that have nothing to do with each other and I love them very much! But it's very unlikely we'll ever go on holiday together, and it's taken me a long time to accept that it doesn't mean the friendship isn't strong enough. I also don't like going away unless it's with certain people I'm suuuper comfortable with. Just adore your writing so much - it's like you're reading my mind!! 🍹here's to being the island friend!
I am SO overwhelmed by this comment Ella, I showed it to James (my partner) and he said how lovely it was too! Thank you so much, I’m so happy that my words made you feel seen. We value friendship in a different way to other people, and that’s OK ❤️
Lauren, are you by any chance autistic? What you describe - the "incessant feeling of unease, the underlying fear of not knowing if you’ve inadvertently upset someone or said the wrong thing" - is common on the autism spectrum.
No - that feeling came from the volatile behaviour of my friends at the time, rather than from my own inability to recognise sensitivities or social cues. I no longer feel that way now that I have secure friendships where I know that I am accepted and loved as I am.
Fair enough, and I'm so glad you have a good group of friends now!